Wednesday, 5 September 2012

Essexy Beast

Oh my shit did you hear the news recently? There's a lion in Essex!  What next? A gorilla in brighton? Elephants in Scotland Yard? A bunch of retarded dogs in parliament?

 Well, this is news indeed. Real news, not like the Olypmic/Paralympic rubbish, or all that murdering being done by the government in Syria, or even Julian Assange bumming around in the Equadorian Embassy. No, this is the absolute MOST IMPORTANT bit of news going around at the moment. Nothing could be more important than a totally real lion in Essex.

You know why? 

Because it's basically proves the 'Big Cat of Ilkeston'!

I should provide some background.

The 'Big Cat of Ilkeston' (or Big Tom as I shall now refer to it for convenience) is a legend that we've had around these parts for a good time now. There's been reports in the paper of folk seeing a panther like creature, a 'big cat' if you will, lurking about the streets, fields, and canal ways for years now. Some say it's an escaped pet of one of Ilkeston's richer resident's. Some say it's a man cursed to spend every fifteenth sunday night as a panther wandering Ilkeston and being spotted by idiots. Some say it's just a dog that's far away or something. Nobody knows the true identity of it.

 I know one witness personally (he's a complete twat) so there must be some truth to it, and now the existence of a totally real lion in Essex basically proves that these big cats are for real, and that people don't make stupid perceptual mistakes they can't accept are untrue, and that everybody should be shitting themselves in case it's standing behind them right now.

 Have you checked yet? Then the coast is clear (for now).

Now that we know that the Essex Lion totally proves Big Tom exists, I expect we'll have to start watching out for great big cats wherever we go. With that in mind, here's some advice on how to handle them.

1) Big Cats love jelly, so be sure to carry some around in your pockets in case you come face to face with one.

2) Never travel alone at night without an elephant gun.

3) Learn to whistle. It fucks the male ones right off and they have to go back to Australia or wherever lions come from. It makes lionesses proper horny though, so try not to get raped. Unless you're into that sort of thing. You dirty bastard.

4) Grow longer legs so that if all else fails, you can leap to safety.

I'm off now to barricade my doors against great big smelly old Big Tom, because I'm certain he's about to come and steal my milk. 

Fucking cats...

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