Monday, 16 July 2012


420 is a bad number. I didn't think so until recently but like Joseph kony that's just because nobody really knew about its bastardry. Whilst a number of course cannot enslave invisible children (which I assume is to steal chocolate or something) it can cause conditions such as brain tumors, strange and erratic behaviour, mathematician's finger, and pooflonge.

The individual components of this number are not to be sniffed at either. 400 is the number of babies Stalin ate during his reign in search of a more potent moustache. Twenty is the true number of deadly sins (and includes acts such as sarcasm, farting, and being indecisive). Zero is of course nothing, the worst amount of anything that isn't country music. Put together they form a number worse than 666, 13, 911, or any other dickish number from history.

Have you seen this number around recently? Fortunately the date of this number passed us by some time ago, and we are relatively safe from it's baneful occurrence for another year or so. However, quite terrifyingly, the time known as 'twenty minutes past four', or 4:20 when more frivolously formatted, occurs twice in every day! If you ever notice this time happening stop it at once! Close your eyes and think of Moomins, chocolate cereals, and the theme tune to The Wombles. Anything to escape the dread of 4:20!

 There are some people (and I'm not naming any names. You know who you are. Yes you!) who have sadly joined some sort of cult relating to the worship of this number, who's terrible presence is celebrated every twelve hours with the ritual smoking of drugs that not only impair the mind, but put evil little minions into their lungs who whisper 420 at passers by during casual conversations, causing much discomfort to say the least.

 If you ever come across one of these cultists, consider them strange and dangerous, as the evil power of 420 grows as you approach it's magical minute. Consider dispatching them swiftly using a katana or sai, or better yet, some sort of incendiary device such as a tactical thermonuclear warhead. The threat they pose to the world's safety really can't be understated.

 Unfortunately this is all I can say on the matter, as if I type 420 one more time I may just grow out my hair, sprout a crap beard, start talking slowly and somehow get the impression I know something you don't, right before I crush a bag of kittens. All because of the evil of 420.


The Olympics

So it looks like the Olympic Games are around the corner and it's going to be the most heavily policed event since the reign of Stalin. What are the Olympics you ask? Have you not heard about them yet!
Well the Olympics are a set of athletic events where everybody competes in the nude and if they win get given a large medal to conceal their embarrassment. Given that we are currently in the most indecisive summer for many a year this means that all the participants will likely get both sunburn and pneumonia as they run around with all sorts of extremities flopping about the place.

Oh wait, I forgot, the Olympics aren't actually that awesome. Instead everybody is fully clothed and under the serious gaze of seven thousand armed mercenaries and terrified interns they run, jump, cycle and cartwheel their way to either glory or dishonour, whichever their culture values the greater.

So what's the big deal about it then? After all that just sounds like Gladiators but without the silver spandex and growling pensioners trying to bum you. Well, turns out they also award to the victor of the most medals the key to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory, allowing the most powerful athlete to celebrate by totally destroying their Adonis like body and consuming the previous victor, thus restoring balance to the force/completing the circle of life or something.

If that wasn't enough excitement for you, there are some actually interesting contest in there that you might genuinely want to watch, such as Judo, Fencing, and BMX cycling (which makes me so tense I can't even watch it on You've Been Framed for concern that somebody is going to fall and have all their limbs mangled by acircularonslaught of rubber and steel...I must be getting old.) As well as that there's Canoe Slalom. Canoe Fucking Slalom! Dudes in canoes zigzagging down rushing rapids and trying to outsmart evil flags as they struggle not to capsize and have their skull dragged across the rocky underside of the waterway. I have no idea where they'll host such an event as the Thames is probably still jammed full of confetti from the Jubilee celebrations but even if they have to host it in the Queen's bathtub it'll be a hoot.

I wonder if it's too late to submit some of my own sporting ideas to the Olympic games, as I'm sure they're all far more interesting than watching some guys run slower than a car or jump over a bar. A few of them follow here:

Fire Running:
This is an extension if the torch carrying relay thing they do before the events. Essentially the aim is to see how quickly you can get from one side of the stands to the other whilst carrying the flame without setting onlookers alight. A time penalty is incurred for every square inch of burns that are suffered during the race, so don't get reckless!

Brick Lobbing:
Using whatever technique you please, throw a standard British house brick as far as possible through a series of glass panels. I included this one to give the criminal underclass something useful to do in the games. Popular throw styles include the Whirling Thomas, Gadsby's Catapult, and The Gordon Ramsay Raging Bastard Shot, which mainly differentiates itself by the amount of swearing involved.

Car Sprints:
Image the standard one hundred metres. Now, instead of people, picture cars. You get the idea. This one's a brand new idea created by me so don't you steal it!

Last Orders Dashmob:
Held at 11pm, athletes have to down six pints of finest lager and wait for the bell to sound, at which point they race to be the first to reach the bar at the other end of the arena. The winner gets a drink as well as a medal. The rest get punched by brawny men.

It's like the fencing, but with big sticks. And no armour. Or rules. 
Last man breathing wins.


There are plenty of non made up events that should have been in the Olympics though. What about the egg and spoon race? Unicycling? Mixed novelty? Log riding!? 

Overall I think the Olympics organisers have missed a trick by not using unusual and enthralling new sports such as these to give a bit of variety to what will inevitably be mostly watching people warm up before fifteen seconds of action, with another four hour wait before anything happens again. It's like Dragonball Z but with less energy blasts and flying. If anything they should at least edit the footage in such a way as to make it look like there's drama between the athletes, overdub some speech or something. I don't know, but it's going to be crap otherwise.

 Then again at least it's not football. We never win medals in that. Not that you can. Win medals I mean.
It's some sort of cup isn't it? I wonder what it tastes like. I guess I'll never know because I'm English!