Tuesday, 6 March 2012


Cows. Man's greatest conquest. For more than twenty years man has dominated the bovine for the purposes of milk, meat, and a sense of pride unmatched by any other feat. Consider the consequences however, if the common cow became redundant - put out of business by clever men and science.

 I say this because I was reading recently about the advent of artificial meat, and that one day it may be able to replace standard meat. That is meat grown in labs will replace meat grown on animals. They're working on making a tasty artificial meatburger as we speak, ready to change the world of fleshy consumption forever.

 At first I was fully in favour of this idea. Vegetarianism is something I have considered myself, for environmental and obvious ethical reasons. However I carried on eating meat anyway, not in order to harm animals, but simply because certain animals happen to be delicious. The invention of synthetic meat would mean I could eat tasty meat that had never been in an animal, thus removing the environmental/ethical implications of eating slabs of beef, whilst still allowing me to eat steak like a boss.

 As I read more about it though, I began to wonder what the wider implications of the absence of natural beef would be, and came to some rather ominous conclusions.

 Supposedly this method of creating synthetic meat (something to do with stem cells blah blah science) would allow one cow to create the same amount of meat as a million cows. Now that leaves a hell of a lot of spare cows: 999,999 spares for every meat producing cow in fact. Given that there are currently 1.3 billions cows on earth (more than the population of Europe and the United States combined) that leaves a shitload of cows out of work.

 What will unemployed cows do? Go down to the Jobcentre and get some money until they find work in Pound Stretcher or Customer Support? Sit around drinking in front of libraries and harassing passers by? Or will they wake up and realise that they've been taken for a ride for years by humans who wanted to milk them for all they had?

 There's not a lot we can simply do with a billion cows that don't have much use. If we attempt to use them all for milk we will have to plumb a milk tap into every house because, and that will keep clogging as the milk goes off or becomes churned into butter from swishing around pipes. A nation with so much dairy would be guaranteed to die within years from heart disease, excess milk syndrome, or the dreaded and terminal condition known as butter arse.

 The other option is that we kill all the spare cows, a situation only the most cold hearted bastards would opt for. After all we only kill them now because we want to eat them, killing them and then doing nothing with them would be an ethical nightmare. Perhaps we could have a huge beef party before we all switch over to synthetic meat, but I really don’t feel like organising that.

 One more frivolous option is that they could be sent to predominantly Hindu countries where they will be cared for by those who find them sacred. However such a weight of cows would be impossible to transport and even if they could be moved there would be heavy enough to sink the chosen landmass into the core of the earth (this could however be an argument in favour of sending them to Blackpool.)

 Millions of disenfranchised cows with nowhere to go will soon become unruly and hazardous, knocking down dairies and trampling their way out of the countryside and all over a completely unprepared urban landscape. Perhaps you think cows aren't that dangerous. Have you ever seen a cow? They're fucking huge! They communicate using a combination of moos of varying intonation and special smelling farts, making it impossible to tell what a cow is thinking.

 I however can tell you exactly what they will be thinking. They will have revenge in mind, and a single minded view to destroy humanity and take their place as the future rulers of this planet, subjugating what remains of humanity into growing endless fields of grass until their endless emissions heat the planet so far as to render its entire surface a stinking barbecue.

 Could cows indeed overpower the human armies in a straight up battle? Cows are by their very nature almost bullet proof, and can survive horrific damage before succumbing to death. A cow can indeed survive without a face for some time, and despite the loss of all it's senses would surely be able to crush to death at least fourteen bright eyed children before it realised it was at its end. They are also brilliant tacticians and anybody who thinks cows are slow moving and docile is sadly mistaken- cows are one of the most agile creatures in nature, rivaling a fully grown cougar in speed and dexterity. At full speed a cow can outrun a Delorean and smash a hole through a brick wall without even flinching. Their only true weakness, as with most creatures, is fire. The main drawback of using fire though is that cows are racially ingrained to become enraged whenever confronted by flame, after years of hearing stories of their relatives being flame grilled and sold by grimy teenagers at fast food restaurants. Showing a cow fire will cause it to enter a berserk state in which it grows two powerful arms which end in fists the size of basketballs, and begins punching and swearing like a Scotsman with a thistle up his kilt.

In short, there is no way humanity could survive a full battle against the bovine menace. My suggestion is that we if we insist on creating fake beef* we also create fake bacon** so as to be able to recruit the remaining pig population to our side in this battle. With the intelligence and unmatched ability for consuming basically anything other than adamantium that pigs possess we may stand a chance of defeating cows in what will be known as the Interspecies Meat War. Otherwise the last thing mankind will hear before being stomped out by a powerful hoof will be the most terrifying sound of all:

*suggestions for names for fake beef
  • Feet
  • Feef
  • Ethic Burgers
  • Keith
  • Beeeeeef
  • Stake
  • Beef that doesn't have cows in it
  • Magic Meat
  • Laburgers
  • I can't believe it's not Beef
  • Fake Fat Slabs
  • Chunky Chunks
  • Barbecue Blobs

** suggestions for names for fake bacon
  • Fakon
  • Facon
  • Faycon
  • Falcon
  • Fakey Bakey Bits
  • NotChops
  • Happy Hog
  • Piglets
  • Mop
  • Bigpigtigrigfigsigdig
  • Frymelikeyoumeanit
  • Not Bacon but actually Bacon
  • No Pigs were harmed in the making of this bacon
  • Rational Rashers
  • Best Thing Ever