Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Time to die...t

Eating! It's something we all have to do, at least until we learn to absorb nutrients through eye contact. There are lots of different things to eat out there, in fact almost everything human beings have come across we have tried to eat at some point. It's like our defining trait.

 However, for some people, near enough everything is way too much choice, and they have to follow a particular set of rules to make it possible for them to consume foodstuffs without being paralysed by indecision. Alternately, some people consider it a challenge to eat only certain things, laughing in the face of those weak willed people who mindlessly consume everything they see. Some can't handle certain foods, which spontaneously become animated in their stomachs and try to fight their way out through the victim's throat. The strangest of all consider only eating certain foods to be morally superior in some way and gives them the right to turn up their noses to dangerous degrees, as they passively improve the world in some vague way.

Having recently started a test run of vegetarianism myself, I thought that as I'm now clearly an expert I'd best give everybody the low down on the wide range of dietary restrictions people impose upon themselves, or have imposed upon them by grumpy intestines.

Standard Diet:
Eat whatever you like unless it's human, robot, or a beloved pet. Most people are on this diet because they lack the willpower to stop eating animals, to start eating beloved pets, or because they just think everything is delicious.

Vegetarians don't eat meat, because of the ever present threat of animal revenge when they find out you ate all their mums. This threat encourages them to treat animals very carefully due to their telepathic communication- an insult to a sparrow could very well be avenged by a passing rhinoceros.

This is like vegetarianism, but now you don't get to eat eggs, milk, hamster eyebrows, or any product that comes from an animal. Harsh! Vegans only eat plant life and find it difficult to fight of disease because they find it morally difficult to take down viruses. More extreme vegans don't even eat anything that makes sound, as that could be perceived as communication and thus consciousness.

Practiced by those too cheap to pay for food, freegans can only consume things that they didn't pay for. They also cannot eat things that were gifted to them, making Easter a whole waste of time. Thus they are required to steal everything they eat, or only take the free bits of food that claims to have '50% extra free' at the supermarket. Alternatively, they may take to illegally downloading food from the internet, in a practice known as nompiracy.

Proletarianismists are restricted to eating things which have worked hard all their lives. This means guard dogs, oak trees, dancing bears, miners, astronauts, tactical dolphins, and Schrodinger's cat. They definitely aren't allowed to eat sloths, chavs, aristocrats, aristocats, Paris Hilton, or Schrodinger's cat.

Cybernetic Organism:Adherents to this diet are only permitted to eat flesh that has at one point been on the body of a partly mechanical creature. Currently this is fairly hard to come across so not many people follow this diet properly, and have to supplement it by eating cutlery.

The Shoe Diet:
On this diet all you can eat is shoes. This isn't as restrictive as some might think, given the current trend of fashioning footwear out of edible materials, such as bacon boots, pasta platforms, and fish slippers.

On this diet you can only eat sand. Nobody has taken this diet and lived to tell the tale.

Overall I think you'll see that out of this exhaustive list of possible dietary choices, I have selected the right one, both nutritiously, tactically, and morally, and I am therefore superior to you in some arbitrary way. You are therefore now obliged to make me a spaghetti bolognese.
Meat free of course.

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