Saturday, 4 February 2012

How to deal with Snow in Britain

How to Survive Snow in Britain

It's that time of year again. The time when everybody goes completely nuts, has a mental time shopping, crashes their cars, and blames the government for not saving them from this misery.

That's right people.
It's snowing.

You'd think that living in a cold country would make people more prepared to deal with snow, or at least accustomed to the idea that it might happen during the 80% of the year that they're freezing their arses off, but no such luck. As it stands whenever it snows here everybody totally loses their shit and the country grinds to a standstill whilst children revel in the temporary collapse of society like tiny anarchists.

Well as a upstanding member of society and a generally amazing guy I have come up with this advice on how to not totally be annihilated by panic when pretty bits of frozen rain float down to earth.

1. Show no fear

Snow is made up not only of water but also of 'bastard particles'. These are the reason snow causes people to panic, as snow itself is obviously fairly docile. The way of preventing further panic is to show the snow no fear. If anything a show of bravado such as a flying kick or eating a lightbulb will put it right off. Try tearing a phonebook in half whilst yawning, as though such acts are beneath you.

2. Ignore the snow

Positive thinking is 99 problems but where are my scones? What was I saying? Anyway if you must tremble either with fear or due to the weather, do it at a private moment. Remain positive and you can simply not acknowledge the biting cold as your nipples cut through your outer garments.
Oh, did I say cold. I meant bracing. A but of a chill in the air will do you good. Go for a stroll in your underpants and remember that snow cannot defeat you. Nothing can defeat you!
Except hypothermia.

3. Sit down

Sitting down has been clinically proven in either some, all, it no situations, to instantly make things okay. Try it now.

4. Declare war on snow

If being tough and sitting down hasn't done the trick, It's time to play hardball. Declare war against snow (or put out a bounty or jihad if that's your thing) and lay waste to its frozen hateful form. The following activities may be worth trying:
  • Stamp on it
  • Throw it at things
  • Build a snowman and punch it in the snowballs
  • Set fire to a cloud
  • Yell obscenities at the snow
  • Eat it (unless it's yellow)
  • Run over it in a car
  • Shit on a snowflake

5. Give up

If these methods haven't worked for you then firstly I'm very disappointed in your snow stopping abilities. Secondly it may be time to call it a day. Mother nature is a powerful bitch and sometimes you can't stop her. I probably could but you certainly can't.
Lie down, cry quietly, and eat some cake as you watch the frozen apocalypse come down about your home or place of business. Tell yourself you did your best and have a biscuit, then maybe a sombre wank to try and keep up your spirits as jack frost lays his filthy claws on your world, whilst a blizzard engulfs the immediate vicinity.

I'm sure it'll all blow over by Tuesday.

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