Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Frankentrees


A little while back I had an idea (as I often do, I'm quite a creative chap you know) for a way of alleviating the strain on the environment that the wood and paper industries place upon it. The idea was for genetically modified trees, to be grown hydroponically indoors in warehouses, which would grow rapidly and without flaws due to their modified nature, and allow for rapid production of lumber for any use without having to chop down trees to get it.
 Having just today remembered that I needed to research this idea, I did a Google search on it and discovered that some bastard has not only come up with and set in motion this idea before me, but that they are doing it utterly and dangerously wrong too.

 According to this article, certain American corporations intend to plant a great big genetically modified eucalyptus field. Not only does this sound like a recipe for disaster from a biodiversity perspective, they also haven't taken into account that Eucalyptus is the Mike Tyson of the plant world: boasting impressive talent, but wrong it and it will knock you the fuck out.

 Even before being upgraded by mad scientists eucalyptus (or Kipper as I shall refer to it from now on) was a violent son of a birch. It inspired the xenomorphs from the Alien trilogy by having flammable blood. That's right, Kipper's oil, which these buggers are obliged to produce is highly flammable, with risk of burnination high. It's all some sort of joke to the Kipper though as they can in fact regenerate themselves after being burned, unlike their unfortunate victims who fall prey to this Australian arsonist. Oh and Kipper oil is also poisonous too.

 As well as being able to catch fire and laugh it off, Kipper trees routinely drop their dense and unwieldy branches spontaneously- spontaneously being whenever they see a child walk beneath and they are feeling particularly menacing. Kipper branches are proper heavy and capable of crushing a human being down to the size of an olive within milliseconds.

 Aside from their natural qualities of violence and explosiveness to rival Al Qaeda, this is a tree that drinks more water than Bear Grylls drinks piss.

 Genetically modified, these trees will be even worse that the brain sharks in Deep Blue Sea. 'Worse how?' you say. "Nothing is worse than a clever shark." How about a regenerating exploding boxing tree with eight legs and a bad attitude that comes into your neighbourhood and drinks all your water?

 It's not just one that they're making, it's whole forests of these psycho bastards, biding their time until they've grown with their trademark Kipper rapidity into thousands of unstoppable juggernauts ready to take over America. What will these monsters demand when they arrive at the Whitehouse and threaten Obama with some Evil Dead style tree rape?

 The one source of hope is that Kipper trees are not especially frost resistant, and as my house and  everywhere outdoors in the UK currently resembles a huge freezer, it is unlikely these scumbags will every be able to sail across (or maybe drink and walk over) the Atlantic and take root in frosty old Britland.

 Then again, knowing American scientists, they'll probably have designed it to be frost resistant too. And a plant like that really could take over the world.

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