Monday, 13 February 2012

Don't tell me to keep calm

 I can only assume that as you have eyes and can read (unless you're viewing this on some sort of amazing braille computer) you will have seen something recently with the 'keep calm and carry on' slogan boldly printed upon it. Perhaps you did exactly as you were told and proceeded to keep calm and carry on.

If so it may already be too late for you.

  Spit out that tea you must surely be drinking now and brush your teeth with bleach to disrupt the neurotoxins. The teatrix has you and you must free yourself. Eat some red jelly babies if you can't get yourself out under your own power.

 Okay, now that you're back with us (perhaps you were fine all along in which case disregard that last bit) I can explain my concerns without the nanomachines reading your thoughts.

 This whole keep calm and carry on business was of course inspired by/a direct copy of a propaganda poster circulated during World War 2. The aim was to boost morale through the power of big stupid slogans and the ever so relaxing colour of blood red.

  Maybe this was acceptable back then, socially at least. After all there was a war on, and no lolcats with which to keep the nation jolly. Perhaps saying something pointless and non-commital was truly the most effective way of keeping people happy as the whole world went to shit.

 But that was back then. We don't need this slogan now. There is no war on our doorstep. No dreadful enemy ready to invade our lands unless we continue diligently farming and bullet making and having heartwarming relationships with refugee kids or whatever it was people did during the war.

So, unnecessary as it is, what does 'Keep Calm and Carry On' actually mean when you break it down?

Keep Calm
An instruction to remain in a state of calmness and serenity, or to mandate self control and lack of agitation. But surely this should be the default setting if all is well. Is there something wrong that we must keep calm in the face of? Are we being ordered to remain placid despite circumstance? Are there ants in my pants?

A word used to grammatically coordinate two phases, in addition to, or as well as. The meaning of this word is most/least mysterious of all.

Carry On
A series of slightly dodgy comedy films revolving around a continual cast and the use of parody and double-entendre. To continue as previously. To bear a load upon yourself. To do as you're told.

 Put these together and effectively you're being instructed to adopt a relaxed demeanour and resume business, regardless of all this other shit going on around you. But what if you're being told to do this by the very people who are causing all the things that are going wrong?

 That's right. The Thunderbirds. Uhh, I mean the government.

 I put it to you that this whole slogan is being revived by the government to pacify the population in the wake of brutal spending cuts and the inability to prevent banks from pissing all over their customers and themselves. I also put it to you that (as referenced earlier) it is being used to prop up the tea industry, which is obviously owned by the government and not privately run or anything of the sort. A tea industry using mind control enzymes and pacifying drugs to reinforce your calm and compliant state so your drink more tea and fund more stupid posters and oh dear a recurring loop.

Lets look at the evidence against the tea industry:
  • Millions of Britains drink tea, and probably couldn't give it up
  • Tea has it's own counterpart biscuit, the Rich Tea. Using the power of conjecture, I have determined that buying these biscuits to dunk in your tea not only funds the rich (see what I did there) but accelerates the rate of pacification relative to how soggy your like your biscuits
  • Though drinking tea can be said to hold health benefits (but who did this research? Giant corporations? The government? Lizard people? Who!?) it is almost universally drank with milk, which not only nullifies any health benefits but is stolen from cows on a global scale
  • PG stands for Pro Government
  • I don't like tea

Also, just look at the poster itself. Doesn't that crown look kind of like a teapot/ tea cosy?
Image Credited to:
Well, not really, no.

 In being told to keep calm by these bloody posters and the endless references to them by people thinking they're clever by subverting something archaic I have only been annoyed further. I don't trust the source and you can't either. After all, if you look up at that poster, you can even make out a sad face in the top of the crown- calm doesn't mean happy. Calm is boring. Excitement is where it's at.

This is a completely superfluous and indeed highly suspicious slogan to be putting about in this day and age unless something is blatantly, brutally wrong with the world, and in the case that there is something dreadful occurring, it is no more effective at raising spirits than Derek Acorah.

 I for one would have much preferred one of the other posters about at the time, which put out a far more assertive and still culturally relevant message.


 If this message was on everything I doubt we'd be in half the trouble we are now. And there'd no none of that psychotropic tea you're probably still drinking either. Just drink water instead.

I've never heard any conspiracy theories about people putting stuff in that.

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