Sunday, 4 December 2011

What do Wasps actually do?

I like bees. For all their suicidal devotion to their queen and production of ear wax flavoured delicacies, they've something quite charming and likeable about them. Perhaps it's the clumsiness of bumbles or their curious dancing. Anyway, the point here is that bees are honest, hardworking folk who have a bad rap because they killed Macaulay Culkin or something.

 Bees have a common and unpleasant cover act going after their yellow striped gig though. An aggressive skinny little shit who does nothing for our economy and hates my dad. This most evil of insects, is the wasp.

 Let's start simple of the analysis of this tiny scumbag species. The name wasp: it sounds tacky and cheap, particularly when compared to 'bee' which is an exclamation of joy in comparison. Say it a few times now. Wasp wasp wasp. Don't you feel dirty now? Bet you need to wash your hands. I know that between each mention of these creatures I'm scrubbing like an obsessive compulsive surrounded by shitting hobos. Additionally due to all the 's' and 'p' sounds it's difficult to pluralise without sounding like a snake or an idiot.

 Now how about the general activity of the wasp? *scrub scrub* From what I am aware from life experience and cursory internet searches, a wasp's activities involve equal measures of stinging children, spoiling picnics and building a nest that looks like a discarded carrier bag. Not only are the actions violent, aggressive and antisocial, but they also emulate littering - a truly heinous crime.

Does the wasp do any good? Unlikely. A wasp is different from bees in that it dos not produce a useful substance like honey and instead has a significantly increased capacity for evil. They are also ugly and possibly smelly (Google image search isn't helping me on that one). Whilst you can farm bees and make a living from working with them, the only people who would farm wasps are brutal dictators and sociopaths with cat allergies.

 Like smallpox and line dancing, wasps are a threat to civilised society that must be stamped out. All attempts to negotiate with the wasp nations have been met with stinging failure, and they simply refuse to stop being dicks to everybody. My proposal is that we burn all wasp nests in the area dn then remain indoors until they kill each other in a savage rage, as such a mindless species is almost certain to do. Failing that, we can simply put them all in prison. They can't fit through bars right?

 Excuse me now, I must inform the prime minister of this plan. I'll tell him they're migrant workers or poor and he's sure to side against them. If all goes well you won't see any wasps within the next few weeks and will know the plan has worked.

 Wish me luck.